Unspeakable Grief: A Guest Blog from Roxie's Aunt

Aunt Sharon holds her niece Roxie in 2014

By Sharon Matyas

It started with the phone message that nightmares are made of.  “Sharon, it’s Doug. Roxie drowned. Call me…”

I was at work and numb, trying to figure out next steps, praying it was a nightmare.  Soon I was at Newark Airport with my 81-year-old father crying on the phone, telling me not to die as I tried to upgrade my seat to sit closer to the front of the plane so I could get off faster.

I arrived at Children’s Hospital of LA not knowing what to expect.  Hoping I’d walk into good news, the first words out of my sister’s mouth were “She’s gone”.  What do you say to your younger sister who you’ve admired all your life, who fought for years to have a child, who overcame breast cancer like it was a tough walk in the park, whose only child lay on life support? 

There are certainly no words. 

The next hours were phone calls with doctors, medical staff checking in, me telling the staff no more visitors.  And then Roxie’s nanny showed up.  How do you tell the woman who treated this special little girl like she was her own flesh and blood that she couldn’t see her?  That soon the machines keeping her lifeless body going would be shut off.  This conversation was one of many, I never want to repeat.  One no one should have to have, let alone people who did everything in their power to create a safe and happy environment for a precious girl who was loved by so many.

I used to think that making the decision to put an animal down was one of life’s most horrible.  This day was a million times worse. This day began with my sister and brother-in-law dropping their beloved daughter off at day camp. A place that was supposed to be a safe and nurturing place where kids could be kids and adults would watch over them.  Unfortunately, on this day many adults failed Roxie and Roxie paid the worst possible price.  Due to adults’ failure and lying, our beloved Roxie is no longer with us.

This is our unspeakable grief.

Every day the world is filled with tragedy and despair but what do you say to your sister who works at the “world’s happiest place” when you know she may never experience happiness again?  How do you make sense of this tragedy when there are people lying to cover up their mistakes not having any idea of the pain they have caused?  All you can do is try to carry on. Try to remember the sweet, incredible life we were blessed with for six and a half years and try to keep breathing one day and a time. 

Today like every day, I will think of Roxie and then wish Elena and Doug moments of peace - moments of peace that I hope will grow as we try to understand this senseless tragedy or at least try to continue on in her honor.

XOXOX